Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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