So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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