btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
