I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
