Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I believe in your delicious
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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