we're blogging at a bar
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
