Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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