he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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