We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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