I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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