I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
