I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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