Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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