How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
