my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
