Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
