I just cut my nipple shaving
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
