A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
