Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
