I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You need Xanax blowdarts
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
