I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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