All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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