i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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