My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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