Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
