Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
