Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
