can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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