he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
