I'm eating all of the evidence.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Randomize
