The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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