she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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