i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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