I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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