so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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