a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
