god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
