i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
