She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
