Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
