So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
