I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
