No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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