He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
