My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
