the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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