Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
