I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
