I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
