can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
